How about women provide and men nurture?

Maa ka laadla and, bigede baap ka bigeda aaulad are some phrases we’ve grown up hearing ad nauseam.
If one were to derive one message from the hammering in of such thoughts it’s —Mummy-good parent, Daddy-bad parent. I met an avid reader of this column recently who bemoaned the fact that I wrote more women centric articles and requested I write about men being no lesser as parents than women.
Traditionally, the external responsibilities of the Indian man as a breadwinner and the protector do give him a tough aura and it takes effort to visualise him exuding an equal degree of mamtaa. Unfortunately, we use this ‘tough provider’ stereotype to normally conclude, dad isn’t capable of providing children with equal, if not more, tenderness, compassion, love and care. It seems apparent women have an innate maternal instinct and build a bond with the child even before it is born. After all, nine devoted months of pregnancy and the process of childbirth itself forms indescribable, immeasurable bond.
Besides women are intrinsically tuned to nurturing and caring for a newborn, it’s safety and development. But that also makes them over protective and overwhelmed in times of parental crisis whereas men are generally rational and logic driven and decisions/choices and actions are based on sound reason. The way a father can allow a child to go all out and grow up would not be possible with overprotective, overbearing mothers. Fact is, we’re so quick to generalise when in actuality, the better parent is not role based, but based on levels of individual capabilities. Working women today who pursue very challenging careers and spend a number of hours racing down the corridors of power, realise it’s not about lack of nurturing ability, it’s about the number of hours at work that sap you of time and energy to do so. Traditionally, a man puts in his hours as provider and mom as nurturer. But both are capable of doing the others job equally well. Let’s not undermine a man’s ability to be a nurturer just because he didn’t change as many nappies, or tell them bedtime stories every night. It’s just that they chose to divide their hours and share the responsibilities of parenting. Being a provider is as essential as being a nurturer. Let’s do away with the assumption that only women can truly nurture and manage their children. It seems a conspiracy amongst women to propagate the same! And simultaneously, let’s do away with the assumption that women can’t be fantastic providers. It seems a conspiracy amongst men to propagate the same!
1. I am a 19-year-old girl in a relation with a boy. His parents are against love marriages. I really love him and cannot live without him. Please tell me what should I tell his parents so that they will agree to our relation?
Ufffff! Parents find religion is a problem, caste is a problem, educational qualifications are a problem, skin colour is a problem, and finance is a problem... as if the spouse is some sort of furniture piece! So appalling! And what appalls me the most is when parents say “Don’t marry for love”. They expect you to live your life and bear children with a man they superficially approve of and hence compromise the emotional quotient of a life long journey. However, you are just 19, and there is much you must achieve for yourself before you seek wedding bells. Complete your education, get some work experience. If you limit your own capacity and compromise your own journey, how can you blame your parents for doing the same?
2. My cousin is in a relation with a guy who is a Rajput and we are Punjabis. Our family will have no problem if he does well in his professional life but his side will not accept a girl from another religion. What should I tell her since there surely seems no future?
If there surely seems to have no future then tell her to enjoy her time with him with no expectations, but if it’s her desire to be settled, then she should be very clear with him about it. She should have assurances from him as to timeliness and also gauge his earning potential so that in the eventuality that his family is obstinate, he would be willing to stand up to the family and has the financial strength and ability to do so.
3. I am 16-year-old girl in a relation with my friend’s guy but she has no idea. We both like him and she was the on introduced us. I think he is dating a third girl as well. I cannot trust him as he was always seeing some other girl also while dating my friend. What should I do?
Why on earth would you want to waste your time, energy and emotion on Mr Casanova? If he has the capacity to cheat on his girlfriend, it doesn’t say much about his character. Being involved with your friends’ guy doesn’t give you a clean chit either, or for that matter any right to jealousy or mistrust. You’re just 16! These are your character building years. Visualise yourself at age 50 looking back at these years. Make yourself proud by your actions today!